Thoughts on an Evacuation

Hi friends, I know, I know, its been a crazy long time since I’ve updated this blog, but to be honest my heart just wasn’t in it. The past few months have been some of the toughest, most heart-wrenching of my entire life. As many of you know, all Peace Corps Jordan Volunteers were evacuated back in March. It was a shock. To say it wasn’t expected is an understatement. And for me–well, I went from a high (just getting back from my medevac to Morocco (and that’s a story for another time)) to an extreme low.

I’ll never forget the moment when our Country Director sat me down in his office and told me the words that no volunteer ever wants to hear: “We’re going home.” For a moment, I hardly even believed him. No way, I thought. It has to be something to do with funding. No, he said, nothing like that. Security concerns in the region were the official cause of our departure. I’ll not speculate on my other thoughts and opinions because still so many of them are fueled by my emotions. However, I just want to say that I think it’s a pretty incredible thing that my first thought wasn’t actually for my safety.

Baby Mohammed is all grown up! Two months away and I hardly can recognize him!

Jordan is an amazing country and I have honestly never felt safer in a place in my life. Literally almost everyone in my village knew me and looked out for me. They were so concerned about me 100% of the time, even to the point that when I delivered the news, more of them were worried for my safety than upset that I was leaving.

Even though it’s been almost three months since I left, I am still processing everything. Part of me is still angry at Peace Corps for making us leave one of its most important countries. If any country needs Peace Corps, it’s Jordan. Perhaps not for all of the work that we might do there, but for a chance that we might bring understanding to a part of the world that is so deeply misunderstood by Americans.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve had so many people express their gratitude for my safety. While I appreciate the sentiment and know they mean well, there’s always just one thought that goes through my head.

I was safe.

I find that hard to explain to people. It’s already so deeply ingrained in their minds that the Middle East is unsafe that I know they can hardly understand my words. That’s frustrating for me. In the end, the best I can do is tell them about my life in Jordan and share with them about all of the kind, amazing people that I came into contact with. That’s going to have to be enough because that’s all I can do.

Me and my forever neighbor, Veronica, with my host family on our last morning in Karak.

Over time, some of that anger has dissipated, though I am still not sure that I agree with the decision that was made. Now, I am mostly plagued by feelings of guilt, doubt, sadness and loss. I think frequently about my time in Jordan and regret all of the things I never got to do and experience. I also think back on all of the crazy, wonderful, happy times that I had. I remember my little host baby brother and wonder how big he is now. I remember all of the fantastic new friends that I made and how they have impacted my life. And yet, still, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve failed, that I’ve let so many people down. I miss my students and my counterparts. When I think of how I’m not with them, I feel a huge sense of disappointment. I’m not sure if or when that will go away, but for now it’s just something I’m learning to deal with.

My absolutely amazing youth counterparts, Safya and Roa’a.

To be completely honest, it’s been a hard transition. I find it difficult to move past one of the most life changing experiences that I’ve ever had. I’m not ready to give up Jordan. I’m not ready for it to be over. It’s challenging to try and figure out what I want from my future because Jordan was supposed to be my future–at least for the next few years.

I know this much: the past few months were some of the most incredible ones of my life. Although they’re over, they will not be forgotten. I will continue to tell my stories and hope to change their minds–one at a time.

As for this blog: it’s not over. There’s more I Want to tell about the past and the future. I’m planning to do some interviews with my Jordanian friends as well as post about what my few months at site were like. So, please please stay tuned for some more updates and I promise I’ll deliver.

Love, M.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Wow, the past few weeks have flown by in a blink of an eye. Here we’re a week into 2015 and I’m a week into living in my permanent site. I’m writing to you today (in the middle of a snowstorm–yes, Jordan has these too) as an offical Peace Corps Volunteer! I’ve completed all of my training, passed all my tests (including the language one!!), and have taken the oath to become a volunteer. As you might imagine, the past few weeks were jam packed with everything we needed to do and learn before becoming volunteers. Here’s the DL in a quick and not so detailed manner: we had site announcements, which was anxiety inducing at the time, but already feels like a distant memory; a supervisors conference, where we were introduced to our bosses for the next two years; site visit, which was particularly overwhelming as I was introduced to what felt like the entire community in a period of 36 hours; and many other odds and ends, which of course included the much dreaded language test (I’m happy to report that I am at a level higher than the minimum required by Peace Corps!) And during the course if all this officialness, I spent a lot of time with my host family. I still can’t get over how much baby Hamouda has grown in the months I’ve known him, so I’m

Playing with babies during a picnic to the Dead Sea!

sure it’ll be an even bigger shock to see him after several months away. I can scarcely even begin to think of what he’ll be like when I leave in two years! So, with all the studying, visiting, and baby snuggling, you can see just how busy it’s been. Don’t worry, we made sure there was some time for fun too. Our training group celebrated Christmas together with some good old fashioned American food, music, movies, and a sleepover. I have to say, it was pretty funny watching Tamara roast her first s’more over the soba (it caught on fire!) It’s weird not seeing them every day, but three of us are in the same region (I’m actually still neighbors with one of the girls!). Luckily, Jordan is a small enough country that we will be able to visit each other fairly easily.

The girls from my training village during our Christmas party. (Photo cred to Carrie)

The group on a trip the the Roman Theatre in Amman.

Just a few short days after Christmas we said goodbye to our host families and prepared for our Swearing In Ceremony in Madaba. It was fun getting dressed up in traditional Jordanian dresses (thobes) and getting our group together for the last time in a few months. Our group was very lucky to be the first group of volunteers to have a ceremony attended by a princess! Though I have to say, I think I was less nervous to shake her hand than I was to introduce myself in Arabic to a whole crowd of Jordanians just a few moments before. Thankfully, everything went smoothly and somehow I made it through. And in typical Jordanian fashion, we were swept away very quickly after the ceremony to head to our villages.

Our language group and LCF at Swearing In. (Photo cred: Ella/Carrie)

Now for the big news (yes, sorry, I buried the lead): my permanent site! I’ve been placed in a village in the region of Karak, about two hours south of Amman. My new village is far bigger than my training one ever was and I’m still getting used to being able to shop here and actually finding more than just candy bars at the store (actually, I’m getting used to the fact that there is more than one store in town, period)! The people here have been so nice and welcoming to me so far! I’ve had so many dinner invitations that I hardly know what to do with myself. At least I won’t have to worry about starving.

The group of volunteers that will be serving in the Karak region.

Now, south, you say? Isn’t that supposed to be deserty? Why, yes it is! In fact, there’s a whole ton of rocks and sand just outside my door. But how can it be snowing? Because this is Jordan and I’ve come to believe that pretty much anything is possible. Don’t worry, the Jordanians are having a fun time freaking out about the snow too. I’m fairly certain the entire region has shut down for the foreseeable future. I don’t mind, I’m snuggled up in bed next to my heater with a book and some tea. It’s rather cozy.

Yes, this is enough snow to shut down an entire region for a few days.

Right now, I’m focused on getting to know my new host family/landfamily (basically my upstairs neighbors who own my apartment and are one of my main connections to the community) and different neighbors. Most everything is closed for break, so I have a chance to settle into my new apartment and meet people. I think I’ll be starting some English programs with my community based organization (CBO) in the next week or two, so I’ll be sure to share all the interesting moments that are bound to occur.

Me and some of the girls I hope to be working with in the next two years.

I think we’re all caught up for now. It’s been a crazy few months, with many more to come, I’m sure. If you’re interested in a particular topic (Peace Corps, Jordan, culture, becoming involved with my service, etc.) or have any questions, please let me know, I’d love to write about it! That’s all for now, folks! Wishing you all the very best for this new year! As we would say in Arabic, kul alm al inti bahair! ( كل عام انت بخير). Love, M.

Classification: Super Hard

I recently learned that Arabic is the most difficult language that Peace Corps asks it’s volunteers to learn. It is literally in a category called “Super Hard.” The only other Peace Corps language in that category is Mandairn, but volunteers in China don’t need to have near as much fluency as us in Jordan. They work in universities where students already have a higher level of English proficiency. In Jordan, many of our students are very behind in English, making our knowledge of Arabic crucial to our success as volunteers.

Talk to anyone I interacted with in the month prior to leaving and they’ll tell you that not only couldn’t I say anything, but I practically had negative Arabic skills. I was learning the alphabet, but that was about it. I couldn’t even say hello; instead I could mumble a series of noises that were supposed to represent letters or something to that effect. In essence, I was wholly unprepared for learning a Super Hard language.

Practicing a super hard language while eating is always a good idea. A fellow trainee and I enjoy a visit to a current volunteer.

A few weeks back, we had a practice Language Proficiency Interview (LPI) that was a source of some anxiety. Before we can officially become volunteers at the end of this month, we have to pass the real LPI at the level of Novice High. So naturally, our group wanted to do well during the practice. After five weeks of intensive language training, I didn’t feel that worried. I knew at the very least I could actually form a few sentences and understand basic questions. I am no Novice Low! Besides, no matter how I did on the practice, it’s just that–a practice. I felt confident that I would achieve Novice High by the end of ten weeks.

Friends, you would be proud to know that not only can I say hello, I can tell you a variety of things about myself. I have become quite egocentric. Though don’t worry, I can occasionally talk about other things. Ask me about my hobbies and I’ll tell you about all five of them, which ones are my favorite, and how long I’ve been doing them for. And I’ve definitely got down food names and all of their ingredients, even if I’m not quite sure how to make them. I can even tell you a few countries I’ve traveled to and where I’d like to go in the future.

That’s right, not only can I speak in the present tense, but I’ve got a grasp on the past and the future! If little baby Mohammed was a bit older, I might even give him a command. Since he’s not, I’m content to compare him to my American family and note successfully that I am still the oldest.

Here's one little cousin I don't mind giving orders to! She looks cute now, but don't let that deceive you.

What else, you ask? Wow us with some spectacular display of your language ability! Well, I know a variety of cultural expressions and I can count to infinity if pressed. I am even very well acquainted with the different body parts and describing sickness. I’ve been under the weather for the past few weeks, so I know exactly how to tell my family about how I’m feeling. And I can no longer count the number times I have heard the phrase salaamtik (Get well soon) uttered to me in the past dozen days. No matter, I always have a Allah yesal-mik (May God save you from harm) at the tip of my tongue. It’s always, always good to know the response to such cultural expressions. You don’t want to leave people feeling that you don’t wish them the best in return. My personal favorite expression is sahtain (Double your health–said to wish them a good and healthy meal). The reply is عala gal-bik (At your heart). Don’t ask me why, but I love telling people this.

Now, it’s only been seven weeks, so I’m hardly anywhere close to being fluent, but considering where I was before, I consider it a rather large accomplishment. My language class and Language and Culture Facilitator (LCF), Tamara, have been instrumental in this success. After all, when I spend 4-6 hours in the classroom with them, I’m bound to pick up something, right? Also, we’re always sure to practice with each other informally too. If I didn’t have Alex quizzing me in the bus on the way to Link, I’m not sure I would ever remember the word employee! Supposedly, it takes something like 2,200 classroom hours to become proficient in Arabic, so I’ll have a little less than 2,000 to go after PST! With any luck, over the course of two years, I’ll actually be able to understand when somebody speaks to me. Hopefully my shopping experiences will take five minutes rather than five hours. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to conjugate verbs in my head without the risk of it exploding!

Here's an example of just a few materials I use to study!

Learning a new language is tough. Especially when that language has a different alphabet than the one you’re used to. And when it makes sounds that are not close to anything you’ve ever heard before and you find near impossible to replicate. That’s all part of the grand adventure, I guess. If it’s not difficult, it’s not worth learning, sa? …Or something like that.

Expect some updates on my language learning over the next few years. I’ve made it a goal of mine to become proficient because not only will it help me with my job, but it will help me build relationships. So feel free to hold me accountable, pester me until I refuse to speak to you in English ever again. Maybe I’ll only ever talk about my favorite foods, but at least you’ll never know it!

For now, I’ll leave you with a very Jordan appropriate Arabic proverb that I hope will impress you with my veritable knowledge of the language.

كل تأ خيرة فيها خيرة.
With every tardiness a good thing comes.

A view from the highest point in Jordan, where I got to take a brief break last week!

P.S., a belated Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends and family! To everyone, I’m so grateful for your love and support. I can feel it all the way from here!

Peace and love.

A PCT during PST in the HKJ

Okay, so the last one there isn’t an official Peace Corps acronym, but I decided that since there are already so many, it would be cool if I added one more. Like any great government agency, Peace Corps (which will henceforth be referred to as PC) has a love of acronyms–they even gave us a manual full of them! Currently, I am a PCT (Peace Corps Trainee), which I will be until Swearing-In at the end of December. I’ll officially be a PCV (you guessed it, Peace Corps Volunteer), inshaallah (God Willing, a particularly favorite Jordanian phrase). These many weeks when I’m living with my host family are called Pre-Service Training (PST), aka crazy-busy-exhausting-stuff-your-brains-and-bellies time. And my own personal acronym is where my service takes place: the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan. Yes, I am so clever.

I thought now that I’m three weeks into my home stay and approaching a month in country that I’d give you an overview of what my daily life consists of. The weeks here run from Saturday to Friday with Friday being our one and only glorious day off. Every morning has me waking up early to head to my language class around 8 or 8:30. Luckily, my class is held at my host aunt and uncle’s house right next door, so I don’t have far to walk.

My language class consists of four other trainees and our fantastic language and cultural facilitator, Tamara. Her job exactly as her title suggests–teaching us the language and culture of Jordan. Tamara’s patience for us is endless, for which I am very grateful. We often have a lot of questions! Class runs for about four hours and by the end my stomach is usually growling! I then make the long and arduous trek back to my house to be promptly stuffed full of food by my host mom.

Then, in the afternoon we either have a culture session or go to what is called “Link”. I enjoy the culture sessions because they’re less formal than the language learning, but just as important. The weather has been spectacularly warm and sunny lately, so we are often able to hold class outside. Twice a week we go to a neighboring village about 10 minutes away and “link” up with two other language groups. We head there because their village is larger and they have a Youth Center available for our use. On these days, we get technical sessions from PC staff and sometimes current volunteers. These sessions pertain to but we will be doing once we reach our permanent site, such as working with youth and teaching. I love getting to see the other volunteers and catching up with them! Even though our villages are only 10 minutes apart we have a diverse experience. Not to mention, it’s always nice to see new faces.

The afternoon sessions last for about 2-3 hours, so by the time I get home at 5:30, I’m pretty tired. However, my day is isn’t even close to being finished! Next comes dinner with the family followed (usually) by socializing with whichever extended family members stop by. This is generally an amusing time for both me and my family.  Although my Arabic is getting better, I tend to struggle through many conversations. Usually, there’s a lot of gesturing involved when anyone wants to talk to me. The only time I know for sure what a conversation is about is when I’m the subject of it! This usually involves people looking at me a lot and saying things like my age and “America”. Don’t worry they tend to smile at me, so I’m sure it’s all good things!

These evenings are usually filled with chai (tea), snacks (nuts, cookies, some sort of sweet), more chai and juice. So when I have no idea what’s going on, I just busy myself with eating and staring pensively into my kassa (cup). I usually find this to be an effective tactic. Finally, usually before most of family even leaves, I sneak off to my room for my first time alone time of the day. After being surrounded by so many people all day, it’s pretty nice to get a break. However the Arabic my brain never stops as I usually have some homework to complete. After hours and hours of slaving away (okay, really usually just one), I head off to bed at the late hour of 10 PM. I have definitely reached Old Lady status.

This is pretty much the pattern Saturday through Wednesday. On Thursday, we get to take the bus into Madaba City and go to what is called a center day. It’s a technical skills learning filled day where we all come together for sessions about Safety & Security, Health, Culture and Youth. These days are always interesting because it’s the only time our cohort of 35 trainees can get together and catch up during our 15 minute breaks. These are also the days I feel most exhausted, but it works out because next day is Friday!

Family Day Friday (FDF, another one of my own acronyms) is actually one of my favorite days of the week. It involves a lot of hanging out, laundry, cooking and eating. These are the times I’m grateful for only having a baby in the house because I can actually sleep in. Next door, the kids are up and screaming by 7 AM, so the trainee there doesn’t get a lot of extra sleep. I’m fortunate enough to be a big sister to baby whose only hobby is sleeping.

A fine example of crazy kids being crazy.

Friday is a great time to relax and learn more about family life here in Jordan. It’s also a day of great eating. I swear I can feel the pounds adding on with every single bite. This Friday, we are celebrating baby Mohammad’s birth with mansef, mansef and more mansef. I’ve been told we’re slaughtering some goats and everyone is invited over for the consumption of Jordan’s favorite and most famous dish. I can feel the mansef coma coming on already! It’ll be a great end to my first month in Jordan.

Little Hamouda practicing his favorite hobby and getting cuter every moment.

So, now you know why I’ve been so quiet. The PC makes sure PCTs are BUSY during PST! And that’s not even the half of it! I haven’t even gotten into our YCPs (Youth Counterparts), but that’s an acrynym for another time.

To all of my friends in the Midwest, I hope you’re enjoying that cold and snow! I’m too busy enjoying the 70 degree weather over here to be jealous.

Peace and love!